Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Rottenest Bird

The following blog is typed by Molly on her 2nd to last day as my accomplice. She will be missed.

Now to the blog, which will be far less poetic now that I'm speaking it instead of writing it. (Thanks for the cool tool, Edith!)

It's very rare for my son to make me cry. Ok that's bullshit, he actually makes me cry all the time. But it's very rare for my son to make me cry telling me something about Dick Cheney, because Dick Cheney to me was one of the more comic-like characters in the world. Earlier today I was likening him to "The Penguin" from Batman. Doesn't he seem, with his sneer and his malevolent voice and his undisclosed locations, to be somebody like a super evil genius from a comic book? Well maybe not super evil genius but a super evil "evil guy". "Great quivering jellyfish, Mr.President!"

Anyway, Mac and I were sequestered in the back room while Lisa was interviewed by John Zaritsky, who's doing a documentary about me right now, and in order not to make any noise, Mac wrote me a note saying that Seymor Hersh has disclosed that Dick Cheney had ordered the assassinations of world leaders including Benazir Bhutto. Now this makes it even more comicbook-y, because there's never been ( well at least until Barack Obama) a leader as hot as Benazir Bhutto. Sorry Pierre Trudeau, you didn't make the cut. I could just imagine evil henchmen surrounding the beautiful Bhutto, who had the temerity to say publicly that Osama bin Laden was dead, so of course she had to go.

Here is footage of Cheney being exposed:


Now, I'm making light of this and being kind of glib, but it really did made me cry, because Muselings, we lived for 8 years under an administration that makes the TV show, 24, seem plausible and not at all over the top, except we don't have Kiefer Sutherland to kick...er...head butt...some ass. How is it possible that we did nothing when we knew - come on, deep down we knew - these guys were complete unchecked evil? Where was our coup? And here's what I think the problem is: we are the most comfortable nation on earth. We are the bean bag chair of the universe. I don't understand how we've come to be so entitled, but we are.

Case in point: Wendy and I were on our way to Boston and people coming off the previous Jetblue flight were apoplectic about the fact that the TVs hadn't been working. Now, I don't know about you, but I would think that since there are only 2 airlines that even have TV ( not counting Air Force 1 of course) why would you expect a TV to be working, and why would you be asking for your money back because you didn't have a TV? And why would you step in front of a woman in a wheelchair who's trying to gate check her chair and get carried onto the plane to complain about the fact that you didn't get to see "The View"? I consider it great luck that I don't get to see "The View"!

But that's just me.

Louis C.K. does this great bit which you can Youtube, (and by the way, people older than 50, Youtube is a verb, which I will conjugate for you now: I Youtube, you Youtube, we youtubed. Here it is in a sentence: Let's get baked and Youtube the footage of O.J. riding the white Bronco hella slow... ) anyway, he does this bit called "Everything is Amazing and Nobody is Happy." I strongly urge you to Youtube it because the central theme is that we have everything we need for happiness and we are still miserable about stupid shit. So it doesn't surprise me that we would not have a coup in this country during the Bush administration because we are too comfortable, we are too happy with our conspicuous consumption to give a shit about anything besides what's on TV, what stuff we're gonna buy that day, of whether our latte is nonfat or low fat or fat fat. I'm also surprised at people who order nonfat with a fucking doughnut. Are you people high?? For people a nation weaned on nonfat food, we are the fattest people in the world.

But anyway, Mac and I have been busy filming away on this documentary, and although it is the most exhausting thing I've ever done, its really really fun. The team is great; Ed, Luis, David, Montana and of course, John, the director. It's both deeply moving to revisit these - let's face it - pretty heavy moments of my past and also kind of comforting to see how far I've come in accepting semi-trailers of life-dung and to see what an amazing person Mac has turned into over this last year and a half or whatever the hell its been. I lose track of it, which is also a good sign I think.

We'll be filming more over the next couple of weeks and well see what transpires. And I only sort of mean it about trailers of life dung - my friends have helped me out so much they should claim me on their taxes, my dad pays my substantial rent every month and now my mom is buying me a van! Stay tuned in the very near future for stories of adventures of Carla tripped out on Scooby snacks driving around in the Mystery Machine!


No, seriously - does anyone have a shotgun?

Just kidding.


Anonymous said...

Hey Carla,

Your spoken blog is just as funny/insightful/poetic as they've always been. I hope it's less taxing for you so we can look forward to more frequent updates.

And a big hug to Velma for getting you a van! Jinkies!! (note to the over-50s crowd -- "Jinkies!" is the favored expression of Velma from the Scooby-Doo cartoon).


Anonymous said...

Right on, right on, right on. You are so freaking hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Glad you're at it again -- missed you!

Coni said...

I am curious why you chose a voice recognition program. Did you have to bank your voice? I never tried that technology, going from a keyboard to a head mouse, which I'm happy to say is very fast. Having published 2 books with my chin, and writing a 3rd book, I can't imagine the frustration in a communication program that often gets words mixed up. Give me control of my "voice" is so empowering.
The eye gaze system was too tedious and tiresome. Until something new comes along that can keep up mentally, I'm going to stick with ez-keys and chin mouse (called a jelly bean switch).
Amy at CPMC is a pro, so if your program gets you down, know there are options.
Keep writing! Yeaah!!

maggie said...

OMG I am so glad to see your blog. I have been lurking about and have missed you so....You may not know how poetic, hilarious and right on you are.... but it is a blessing to read your blog. As a child I spent most of my elementary years in the hallway because I was too much for the nuns who taught but I swear to God you were in the hallway right next to me telling me that I was right...god bless ya carla!

your faithful museling,

Anonymous said...

Thank you for coming into my life, even if I am anonymous :-).

Anonymous said...

Interesting post, Carla. I think that most Americans are pretty docile because they feel "safe" and "secure" when in fact as you and I both know there is little safety and no true security except in the loving relationships you create with other people. I suppose America is a land that has known no true hardship since the Great Depression and The Dust Bowl and therefore has been lulled by fat and sugar and TV land and silly romantic comedies and a million other things that equate to soul death for far too long. My sense is America is in for a very rude awakening very soon because despite Obama's sticking his finger in the hole in the dyke (no puns intended here), our unsustainable "lifestyles" are on their way out. Plant a vegetable garden and fruit trees. Read more. Listen to more music. Breathe in the cool, clean air and be grateful for every breath. I know that was always your philosophy any way so just keep doing exactly what you are doing. And may your movie be an inspiration for the world. Joanna

Anonymous said...

If Hersh didn't WRITE it, it may not be true. See the CRITICISMS section of the Wikipedia article. Actually if he did write it is STILL may not be true. There are 'Talk Radio' pundits on both sides of the political spectrum.

Carla Zilbersmith said...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but all but the Bhutto part of this has been confirmed from inside the Bush administration. I know it's hard to stomach - we lived thru an era of atrocity - but hopefully we can heal.

Anonymous said...

It's all true and does not surprise me one bit. What surprises me is the American people were so asleep at the wheel. Hell, no that doesn't surprise me either. The light's on but no one's home. Let's hope to Buddha it gets better