Monologue from a Dead Person

This is written from the point of view of a dead person. Don’t ask me why this came out, but it did so there you go.

Dead person: “Dead is the new alive” Now I know what you’re thinking. I was just being trendy. After all, more and more people seem to be doing it and I was always one to keep up with the current fashions. But this one is really cool. Trust me. And mark my words, it won’t be long before all of you start to follow my lead.

Now I’m not knocking life – life is good as the over priced t-shirts say. Have you noticed that t-shirts with ironic and acerbic statements cost half that of cute and or inspirational t-shirts. I may be dead, but I still like a bargain so I’d take a Bush Sucks t-shirt over the Life is Good one any day.

But I digress. Since you’re all assembled and probably feeling somewhat bad – I guess about being left behind – I wanted to tell you some things about life I really liked – back when living was “in.”

Dewy grass
Now this is something I remember from childhood. I think all the dewy grass was replaced by Starbucks and Bed, Bath and Beyond because I can’t seem to find any, but when I was young the dew would cling to the grass on a summer morning and I would lie in it and get all wet and look up at the clouds….which I think you still have since Barnes and Nobles hasn’t figured out how to annex the sky yet. At night as the grass got damp it was great to run and shout in it with your friends at the end of an endless day.

Hawaii
Go to Hawaii before you die. Since we don’t get to pick when you die, book a flight immediately and hope the plane doesn’t crash. Go to Napili Bay and swim with the sea turtles and take the road to Hana. Stay in a tree house or a yert.

The Marx Brothers
And other great comedy. I miss it all except Stephen Colbert who is so big that we all stop what we’re doing here in the afterlife and tune in at 8:30 every night. I miss having a belly though. I never realized how great it felt when your belly shook when you laugh. I must think of a great joke right now so you can feel your bellies while you laugh. A pedophile and a young child are walking through the forest. It’s dark and the child says to the pedophile “I’m scared.” To which the pedophile replies “You’re scared? How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone.” If your belly isn’t shaking your head is, I bet.

Great Sex
I don’t miss mediocre sex or bad sex, just the great sex. There’s no gender up in heaven so it’s only this distinction that helps us figure out who was a man and who was a woman. The men even miss the disastrous sex.

Cheese
Can you believe there’s no food in heaven? It’s all down in hell – used to torture people. I remember loving cheese because it was something you ate just for fun and rarely if ever for nutrition.


Moments When Grief and Happiness Collide
I remember this one yoga class when I was sick – that is to say before I died. I couldn’t do most of the poses and my body kept cramping up in tremendous 30 second blasts of pain. I lay back on the mat and fought back the tears when I looked and saw two birds perched on the power line outside the window of the yoga studio. They were deep in conversation with one another, totally at home on this scary electric line, like angels sending me a message. “One day you won’t be able to watch these birds, but today you can” I said to myself and my heart flooded with joy. I miss that sloppy human feeling of grief and the tremendous relief when happiness barges in to save the day. I remember those birds.

You
I miss you.