Friday, October 17, 2008

The Worst Doctor Ever

Okay so lately my life has felt like a funnier but equally painful version of a Chevy Chase movie: Terminal Lampoon 3 or something like that. The gods don’t shit this hard on anyone who hasn’t slept with Zeus and incurred Hera’s wrath (which I’m pretty didn’t happen cuz I would have notice a thunderbolt that big) so I’m starting to wonder “what the f$&k?”

So I wrote in my last post about being pain free then immediately wheeled straight into a desk and busted up my big toe. Now it is nearly impossible to go to the bathroom since I can barely balance on two feet, let alone one. My foot throbs, I can’t put any weight on it and I’m even more in need of help than I was before. On top of that, the doctor I saw (let’s just call him Dr. Evan Collier….cuz that’s his name) wins the “I’m a Douche-bag 2008” Award and between George Bush, Sarah Palin and others it was pretty stiff competition this year. Like Palin and Bush, this doctor ( Evan Collier) blends douchebaggery with ignorance as he thought it would be easier to have a broken toe with ALS. “You’re lucky” he said to me. “Yeah,” I said “Apart from the whole fatal illness thing.” “Well, you know” he says “Go Stephen Hawking.” Someone slept through sensitivity training. Because I’m in a wheelchair, my fist was right at the height of his gigantic balls and I wanted so very much to punch them. He had started out the exam admonishing us for coming in on an emergency basis….for a goddamn emergency…and asked couldn’t we have waited until the afternoon when it was better for him. He also repeated the same question about the color of my toes about 3 or 4 times, getting slower, louder and more irritated each time, finally prompting me to say “I’m in a wheelchair, I’m not retarded.”

He better pray that someone else has already bought the domain name

Now that I’ve got that off my chest….

With the help of Edith I have now hired an accomplice 3 days a week. This will take some of the burden off of my friends and ease me into the whole idea of someone here helping me. Ironically, I think it might give me more freedom. The young woman we hired is Mayra and she’s smart, strong and beautiful. I like her. I now have a professional person to do my physio 3 days a week and Mayra is a Pilates and Yoga teacher so she will take over 2 days – again freeing my friends to be friends a little more of the time – not that being my friend doesn’t require some heavy lifting.

I was thinking about all of you Muselings and how you buoy me through these challenging moments. I was thinking of you as I was making a choice whether to go back to being miserable in light of recent events or to march onward. I thought about those of you who are true ladies and gentlemen who would never use the kind of language I do chuckling at my calling Dr. Douche out and how you are now commenting to one another and how we have woven a web of connectedness across this impersonal medium and I decided not to be sad – a little pissed off perhaps but not sad.

My son said the other day “You’re like Job only instead of affirming your faith in God you keep yelling “Fuck you, is that the best you’ve got?” Hmmmm. If that’s the case, maybe I need a more diplomatic tactic.

My fabulous brother is due here any minute. I have 48 hours to get in as much Jason time as I can before he returns to Allison who starts chemo soon. If you know of amazing online hat sites, hip me to them. I want her to be the most gorgeous bald woman ever – she’s no Britanny!

Finally – Jay (aka redscoutdog): I won’t be at the walk but I would love to meet your dad. He can look up my friend Alison who will be walking for Driving Miss Craisy or you can send me your contact info ( I won’t publish it) and I’ll be in touch.

I love you Muselings. Have a great weekend.


Anonymous said...

Wow, giving a bad name to Evans everywhere, thanks Dr. Colier.

Anonymous said...

Hi Carla; I am so glad you can get past being sad, pissed off is good. I know we all have desperate need for the medical system at times, but there are the jerks in that profession just like any other. We would only hope that these people are train to have a better bed side manner. Oh hum! Talking about toes, here is a funny one for you. It concerns my Mother - dear heart - who has been gone for some time now, but when my friends and I were about 10 years old, we were doing head stands in our living room. My Mother who had never done such a thing decided she can do this. So she got a pillow for her head and proceeded to copy us. What she didn't think about was how hard it would be on her toe when she came down with a crash. She actually broke it and had to go to the doctor but was so embarrassed that she told him she ran into a door. As if he believed her. We never let her forget. Ouch! it really hurts to just stub your toe, let alone break it. I hope you toe is feeling better.

The AudioComics Team said...

Let me guess - the good doctor has a "McCain Palin bumper sticker."

Anonymous said...

Here's a link to an online hat store:

Love you much, and thank you for letting us in on your life! Sarah

Anonymous said...

Carla, again, too funny!!! If nothing goddamn else, just know that when I start whinning about washing dishes, cleaning out the litter box, running 6 miles, making school lunches, being human, I think of you.
I think about you a lot. And I stop whinning.
xo Susan P.

Anonymous said...

there are no pleasant moments with ALS, but there are moments that are ironic. I am sorry about your toe because it would hurt too much to shove it up Dr Evan's behind, but if it wasnt broken you wouldn't have met him. When I was taking care of my mom with ALS I decided that new underwear would make her feel better....(I shouldn't have bought beige). After the purchase of new lingerie, I helped her onto the commode and Mom started motioning to me with her eyes. I went through the mental check list: pants down, shirt up, lid up...oh oh, I had missed the beige panties. I started saying "don't laugh mom, don't laugh and I can get them off of you." Telling a woman who had borne six children not to laugh when her daughter with the declining eyesight missed the beige panties wnen she was poised and ready to pee... well it was pretty freaking hysterical.
Keep writing Carla, because you are my friend and I like to listen to you.


Anonymous said...

I love you.


Anonymous said...

Hi Carla,
Here's a source for amazing hats.
Yaeko learned hat-making in Japan and does stunning work!
I hope your 'Craisy' friends keep you stocked with all the right homeopathic remedies for stubbed toes and the like.
Love to you, keeping you in our thoughts ~

Anonymous said...

Just when I needed a good laugh there you were. Sorry about the lack of bedside does suck when they are like that. My husband and I went to see his Hematologist to get his diagnosis of MDS. The idiot said, "The good news is, this won't kill you." Gene died a week later from the disease. In order to make small talk after the deadly diagnosis he asked if we had any travel plans. My husband asked if he was kidding because, at that point, he couldn't breathe enough to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom. May I add this fool to Dr. Collier's web site?

Hang in there kiddo, your sense of humor will take you through anything. I wish you could hear the laughter as we read your blog.

Love to you

twodognite said...

Hi Carla,

I'm really sorry Dr. Colier was an insensitive asshole. And, I'm even more sorry you broke your toe. If it's black and blue and swollen chances are it's broken. Sometimes taping it to the adjacent toe will help. Ice and elevation help reduce swelling but at this point it's TOO LATE. The taping procedure just gives it a little more support. Unfortunately it usually takes about 6 weeks for it to heal.

How about reporting Dr. Colier to the hospital management team? Maybe start with the ER Chief Physician or send a letter to him AND the Medical Director of the hospital? Nothing will change this guy's piss poor attitude because he probably doesn't know he is an insensitive ass so he needs a little "look in the mirror." If his boss takes him aside and chews him out he might (MIGHT NOT) just get the message, or maybe even better, get canned! Or contact the PATIENT ADVOCATE'S office or the HEAD NURSE OF THE ER (the Chief of Emergency Medicine, however, holds more weight).

Do you have a friend that sews? I have some ideas for easy access clothes but I don't know if they exist commercially.


Anonymous said...

Dear Carla, you and your sense of humor are amazing and quite a gift: to us and I hope, to you and your family. Someone commented earlier "...I wish you could hear the laughter as we read your blog." Peace and love.

Anonymous said...

i would mail the "asshole doctor" the following book:

Patient Listening: A Doctor's Guide by Loreen Herwaldt

tell him it's your gift to him so he can gift back!

Anonymous said...


I'm a former student of your friend and fellow redhead Gina. You've hopefully already realized this, but you're loved by many a random stranger. Though we haven't officially met, you've given me regular laughter, warm fuzzies and a much-needed set of balls on the days when I'm lacking. I wish there were a way to pay back such priceless gifts. If you can think of something, by all means let me know. What can your devoted muselings give back? Huge hugs from Santa Rosa,


Anonymous said...

May I suggest ""Share your opinion on Dr. Collier"?


Jay said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I get such a lift out of the eloquent way you use Douche Bag. It makes me laugh every time I read it! I picture it, I laugh! It is just perfect. Like a$$hole. Perfect descriptors; no question what you mean by it.