Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Emerging

I’m home with a killer of a cold but also with a sense that things might be turning a corner. I’m only crying a few times a day now, starting to think about making plans again and reconciling myself to wheelchair life and life with an aid. I hate the word aid so I’m going to need to think of a new one. Sidekick? Henchman? Trusty manservant? See, I told you I was getting better. There is dirt under my fingernails and something wriggling up my pants leg but all in all I am clawing my way out of the snake pit.

It helps to perform ( so if you know a good venue in your town….) it helps to travel and it helps to meet people dealing with more than I am and having a great attitude about it. It also helped to spend a concentrated chunk of time in LA with someone I don’t get to see very often, who makes me feel so loved and who is one of the dearest human beings I know.

My heart goes out to people with clinical depression – I don’t think I could take feeling this bad for much longer. One of the ways I generally stay happy is I try not to attach a story to my material circumstances but rather just look at what’s facing me at that particular moment in a Jack webb – just-the-facts-m’am kinda way. That has been impossible the past few weeks – everything provoked a story from the past (painful childhood, crappy marriage) or the future ( it’s only going to get worse then I’ll die) or the unknown (how’s chemo going to be for Allison, what if having me visit compounds their problems?) Whenever I am yanked back into the present I feel better but man was it tough to be there the last couple of weeks.

So now I emerge. I want to go see the butterflies in Pacific Grove with Stephanie. I want to go to Las Vegas with someone who will help me get up to no good. I want to dance if at all humanly possible at Patch’s wedding this weekend. I want to hug my brother in the flesh. I want to go to the pool every day and to get more gigs. I want to hang out with my girlfriends and not have them have to do anything but hang out.

Yes, I’m definitely feeling better.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

how about crony?

how about cohort?


I love you!

Kim

Alison said...

Count me in for a swim next week! So glad you are back...love you tons,

Ali

Anonymous said...

accomplice!

Anonymous said...

accomplice is good.

kim

Gail Hildebrandt said...

Dear Carla; I am glad you can bring yourself back to a happy place after feeling down. There is one side of being with a terminal illness that has an advantage over other members of the population, in that you begin to see very clearly what life has given you and how you have impacted your friends and family. The same happens to the families that have lost a child. Those around that child see the world in a whole new way. Possibly with regrets for not being there when they should have or not showing their love, thinking they had a life time to do so. It's the old saying "we live life looking through rose coloured glasses". It seems through these experiences you begin to see so much clearer and will come to realise how important all your relationships have been, good or bad. When you thought you were terribly hurt or treated wrongly, perhaps now, you might see that nothing in life is that simple. After all you are the person you are today because of both the negative and postive sides.

Pat H. said...

So glad you are emerging, a butterfly you are!

I thought about you a lot today as I sat at home, sorry for myself because I had to cancel my trip to Vancouver. I have a bad back and it has been acting up for a couple of weeks,became much worse yesterday, so I felt it was better to stay home and do what the Dr. has told me to do to try and settle everything down. You came to mind and how you took your trip to L.A. with all you have to deal with and I was somewhat ashamed, so I blamed it on age. I couldn't go to a lack of courage to face a trip that would have made me uncomfortable. Shame on me and hurray for you and your strength.

Love you,
Pat

Anonymous said...

to the blogger, pat, who feels bad about staying home from vancouver, i say: we all have different ways of coping and taking care of ourselves. don't feel ashamed. you did the right thing. i promise. trust me...