The Best Damned Medical Team Ever...Period

Dr. Katz suggested I write a blog about him called “The Best Doctor Ever” since
“Worst Doctor Ever” blog shows up on the first page when you google Dr. Collier. What I would prefer to do is refer to the entire Forbes Norris ALS Clinic as “The Best Damned Medical Team Ever…Period.” They are number one. All other teams are number two or lower.

Kathy and Wendy came along to Clinic yesterday – 5 hours plus an hour of commute each way, plus the inevitable folding and unfolding of the chair and other heavy lifting. Kathy taking excruciatingly detailed notes, Wendy asking technical questions and getting marching orders ( like sew loops on blankets since I can’t pull them over myself in the middle of the night without great difficulty and frustration. I have to say I was disappointed in Wendy. It took her an entire 24 hours to complete the blanket retrofit sewing project and all she had to do besides that was pick her dog up from chemotherapy, feed her family, drive my son to his dentist appointment, buy me towels, hand and leg warmers, fill my prescription and have lunch with me, fold and unfold my wheelchair 6 times - 8 if you count the Clinic day. What a slacker! God knows how long it will take her to put magnets on the buttons of the sweater she bought me – it’s already been hours for pete’s sake.

But back to Clinic. Don’t get me wrong – the clinic days are really tough. They are long and offer me an unwelcome glimpse into the future. I need to go to bed immediately upon returning from a day there then I need to turn in early for the night which is hard when I need to wait on an accomplice to undress me. Nevertheless, I love those guys. For the purposes of their privacy, I won’t tell you their name when they are acting outside typical healthcare protocol since I don’t want them to get into trouble, but I will use their names to give flat out kudos or absolutely necessary fashion kudos/critiques.

So I hate my breathing machine and on my list of questions for them I had written just:“fucking bipap” which is what the machine is called ...bipap that is. "Fucking" was an editorial statement of sorts.

“Okay” says a certain gray haired man there whom I love “I’ll go ask about the fucking bipap.”
“I hear you’re having trouble with the fucking bipap” says the next lovely woman who comes in.
What I appreciate ( speaking as a professional) more than anything is the impeccable understated comedic timing.

Likewise, when I was explaining to someone else ( hint – she’s the sexy one) the instructions I was given for my toe she said “Wait –did Dr. Douche tell you to do that?”
Somebody reads the blog.

They are so damned real, funny, human and above all smart. They don’t act like any healthcare professionals I’ve ever encountered. I remember when my friend Bill’s fiancé was in Med School he described the process as “them” attempting to suck all the personality out of her. My anecdotal experience is that usually that works (no, not you Barry) but not with this group of misfits. They could have their own wacky TV dramedy which I should write and make a ton of money.

Carissa - sister redhead referred to me as “my Carla” which makes a gal feel welcome to say the least. Bob can quote from the blog and has a wicked glint in his eye that belies the image of soft-spoken avuncular gentleman. Stacey’s mirror neurons fire so strong that the minute I started crying her big round eyes welled up like an anime characters’. Dr. Katz takes his time. He’s usually outlandishly funny but yesterday he silently held the space for me while I cried, then later had the balls to tease me about a sore spot of mine (actually the sore spot is no longer mine – we split up), which delighted me to no end, If you’re going to tease, go all the way. Mike M ( or as Sarah Palin and John McCain would call him “Mike the Wheelchair Guy” ) has eyes that shine like a lighthouse when he talks about his son and "one take Jake's" music career. It always puts me in a good mood. Bobby (the Cowboy) has enough personality for four people and is supportive, loving and naughty (thank god!) Lee is extremely conscientious and determined to make the fucking bipap work for me.

I didn’t see Jodi, Dallas, Jan, Dee or Cheryl yesterday but they are all awesome as well. And those of you at Clinic that read this – maybe there’s a way – perhaps a fortune cookie message – to convey to Dr. M that when he’s rocking the turtleneck he’s a damned good looking guy but it’s not possible to rock a bow tie unless it’s part of a tux and you’re James Bond about to nail someone ( take that in either context). He looked dashing. 15 years younger AND he was sick with a cold. If something isn’t done about it I may need to make it a “last request.”

“Apparently the last words she blinked were: tell Dr. M – turtlenecks! Then she closed her eyes forever.”