I was getting off the bus this afternoon. The driver had parked by a steep driveway. The ramp is also steep. My chair got trapped in the valley between the two slopes. I am sitting at an angle for 20-25 minutes, unable to move up or down, in the cold. People get off the bus, pissed that I'm holding them up but not inclined to help. Finally I call Kathy who lives nearby and just hearing her voice makes the tears spring to my eyes and I have to blink hard to stop from making a spectacle of myself, plus I have trouble talking after I cry - I seem to literally drown in my own tears. SO my acupuncturist shows up at the same time as Kathy and her giant son Eric and they unwedge me and off I go to get needles stuck in me.
Watched Cadillac Records that night with Gerry and that's when the tears hit. My first music movie as a former singer. God I love singing and I used to be able to do everything Beyonce was doing vocally in that film. Now i hang on to a tune for dear life. I cried through the credits. I cried until the place was all clean for the next show. Gerry was a rock solid friend and just held me and let me cry. I told him that sometimes I don't feel big enough to hold all of this.
And now I avoid going to bed as long as I can because tomorrow I have to get up and start again, like Sisyphus rolling that damned rock up the hill, I have to find my way back to the place I love to be - the place of gratitude and acceptance of this cocksucking disease.