The Trouble with Alsi

A lot of the ALS handbooks tell you to get an electric wheelchair before you need one. My occupational therapist also suggested this and I of course resisted. I am a youngish, good looking, dynamic person and my self-image collides with the image of myself in a wheelchair. It’s tiring to direct a show however, and so I have surrendered once again to this disease which is meaner and more spiteful than a middle school girl. I think I’ll call her Alsi. Bitch.

So the reason you need to get a wheelchair before you need one is learning curve. The scooter I’ve borrowed can be set to turtle or rabbit. I of course prefer rabbit but there’s the problem of head on collisions with elevator walls, chiding sons and furniture, which refuses to get the hell out of my way. Day one I left a path of debris in my wake. My students cheered when I entered which made Mac feel bad. “They should have just made a joke at your expense,” he said “ I know you hate that ‘go wheelchair girl’ stuff.”

Here’s what I know for sure: 1) wheelchairs are preferable to scooters. Scooters are for old ladies and they are harder to parallel park – it’s an SUV compared to my dear Miata. Ain’t no way to pass a scooter off as a Harley – or even a Harley compatible 2) rabbit is more fun than turtle even if you crash 3) the horn on these things is useless. I use it to make the beep beep sound when people back up a truck but it won’t get anyone out of my way. I need to rig the wheelchair I will soon own with something louder – a bike horn or a recorded voice saying “I’m sorry Hal, I can’t do that” or something like that. 4) maybe a bumper sticker that says “if you patronize me, I will haunt you.” This is my latest and I think most effective and all purpose threat.

In other news I had trouble getting down to sit on the toilet at 4 am the other morning and I blamed Alsi only to discover that somebody had left the toilet seat up. Since Mac was at his dad’s that night I had to conclude that either someone had snuck in just to lift the seat because I don’t have enough to complain about or I had left my own seat up. I think it was the latter which means I am so lonely for the company of a man that I’m leaving my own damn toilet seat up! That’s funny.

In other news, saying goodbye to stylish deck chairs I can no longer get in and out of, resolved to wear my cell around my neck because I can’t bear the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklace and getting back on the horse as it were to try singing again next week. Also going to do the improv freeze at the SF Ferry Terminal. That should be fun.
Oh yeah, and I’m going to spread mean rumors about Alsi to all the other girls. That’ll show her.