Wednesday, September 05, 2007

midlife crisis continues

It's a year of saying goodbyes. It's a year of moving past, moving on, moving away - of leaving. Leaving a life, a home, 2 dogs, a dream and a dream deferred. It's a year of falling, falling away, falling down, falling in love, falling tears, falling down again, falling through the rabbit hole, more tears falling. It's a year of losing. It's a year of breaking - breaking up, breaking bones, breaking trusts, breaking more bones and of course breaking hearts. It's a year with commas and question marks and no periods.

If we could know the path that was smoothest, the path with no exposed roots to trip over, no poison oak to surprise us, no diminishing trail dead-ending at an unremarkable marker - would we take it? Would we give up the heartache, the heart drain the heart burn, the burning heart for .......

I have always had heartburn. It's not a controlled burn my heart burn. I thought it was, but my pain was like an untended campfire or a carelessly doused cigarette. Now the heart burn is a forest fire, blazing, flames licking my throat and obscuring the path. I burn and burn out of control. The flames tickle my throat and I want to sing so loud. I want to sing how sad I am right now. I want to sing for you but you can't hear me.

The ball is up in the air.

1 comment:

Alison said...

This is so beautiful, Carla. I love you. Ali