The worst days are the days when it hits you in the face that you don’t want this. When a series of events just sucker punches you into the realization that this is really happening. When you say out loud to someone ( and surprise yourself that it just occurred to you now) “I don’t want to die.”
The worst days are when you’re mad at your son for getting upset about stupid little things when you are dealing with something so huge, then you realize that he’s getting upset about stupid little things BECAUSE what you’re dealing with is so huge and it is tearing him apart. You are still mad but all you can do is listen and try to understand. He doesn’t miss anything and that’s a blessing and a curse. You are an expert at stuffing anger and finally you can put that skill to good use.
The worst days are the days that you know are going to come closer and closer together. The worst days are the days that you will fondly reminisce about because even though it was hard and you locked yourself in, you were able to get to the bathroom on your own. The worst days have rays of sunshine – your extremely mature brother sending you a filthy song over the internet, your dad writing a deeply moving blog comment, your former students coming over and laughing a lot, a kiss from a very handsome man and of course homemade guacamole.
The worst days come after the best days and if you squint your eyes tight enough, off in the distance you can see another best day in the distance, gradually looming larger and larger.