I was in the hospital last week. I went in with completely unrelated symptoms, but was diagnosed once there with walking pneumonia. At the very least, this is an ironic diagnosis for somebody who can't walk. At best, I believe I have an ADA lawsuit on my hands. Rolling pneumonia, fine. Boogie-woogie flu, maybe. But not walking pneumonia.
While I was in the hospital, I learned something distressing about ALS. I know you're probably thinking "What isn't distressing about ALS?" and you'd be right. I discovered how unknown ALS is even to health professionals. Of all the paramedics, firemen, nurses, and nurses' aides I met last week, NONE OF THEM had heard of ALS.
This is a problem.
Now I am hardly the exemplary ALS fundraiser. I'm always coming up with ideas like ALS Barbie or my more recent concept of the Robot Caregiver. The Robot Caregiver would allow people who suffer from ALS to still have precious alone-time while all their needs are met. The robot would be programmed to tune in to distress and would be wired for the internet so it could play amusing youtube videos for you when you are sad. I also have been instrumental in promoting the Ironman Suit for people with ALS. After all, wasn't one of Lou Gehrig's nicknames the "Iron Man"? I think it would be a lot better to have ALS if you had a robot caregiver and a suit that made you fly so you could say to people, "I ay not be able to walk like you, but I can totally fly bitches!" Here's my prototype for a Robot Caregiver:
Nevertheless, as I get more and more fatigued from ALS, I'm thinking more and more about ALS awareness.
It made me think about my son's frequent lament that the reason ALS awareness is so important is not because it's the worst disease and not because people are inherently more worthy of awareness when they have ALS, but because AIDS and cancer have 100% awareness and ALS didn't even hit 10% in a frickin' hospital.
Therefore, I have made it a goal in the months I have left on this planet to get 10,000 people that don't know about ALS to learn about it. That comes to $1 per person in terms of the money I spent on the Always Looking Sexy Calendar.
How is this possible? I'll tell you how. You guys have to get off your butts and order the calendar. You also have to send the link to all of your friends. Even if they just read your e-mail and don't buy the calendar, the way I typically read chain e-mails and break the chain, they will still know something about ALS.
ALS strikes anyone. If you look at our calendar, you'll see people as young as 23 and as old as 70. It does not discriminate by gender or race. Someone in your family could be the next person to get this horrible disease.
Not that I'm complaining, which I totally could, but in the two years I have had ALS, I've lost the ability to walk, to feed myself, to type this e-mail, to sing, to dress myself, and to wipe my own ass. And the party's barely started. My lungs are failing and by mid-afternoon, I'm hard to understand. I deal with the indignities of having someone give me a suppository so that I remain regular (a concern when you have ALS) and I deal with the humorous aspects of the same. For example, one of my caregivers--I won't say who, but it's the same one that put my hand in a cast--stuck the suppository up the wrong hole, which is quite a task, since a baby's head has past through the hole she chose. After the deed was done, she had to root around in my vagina until she found the suppository thus giving me my first lesbian experience. Dear Lesbian friends, tell me its better than that!
I know a lot of people who have suffered far worse from this disease than I have and that will not stop until there is cure. There will not be a cure unless there is money and there will not be money unless people know about ALS.
I'm charging you with the following responsibilities:
a) Buy a calendar. Or 10.
b) Send this e-mail to all of your friends immediately. Once January is done, no one will be buying calendars, so it must be done swiftly.
c) Tell people bout ALS.
d) If you are local, come by my house, pick up 0 to 20 calendars and find a local coffee shop, used bookstore, or hair salon at which you could sell the calendars on consignment. I have 200 calendars left that I want to get rid of before Christmas.
e) Display your calendar prominently.
Here are some FAQ's:
1. My family are a bunch of tight-asses. Is there something in the calendar that will offend them?
Absolutely. Here's what you do: You color in the panties of Miss January and you change Mr. July's quote from, "Yes, my cock still works." to "Yes, my glock still works." with a little deft penmanship. Glock still makes him seem like a bad-ass and it could be a euphemism for cock since they both shoot. However, your NRA-lovin' Republican grandpa won't be bummed out by glock.
2. What if I want to buy a bunch of calendars? Do I really need to spend that much money?
Oh hells no. If you buy 10 calendars, you get a discount of 25%. If you buy 100 calendars, I'll discount you by %50. Just contact me directly.
3. I went on the website and it was confusing to see where to buy them.
You need to get in your time machine and set it for 2009 where we have sale purchases that are made on the internet. It's very easy.
4. Will I get into Heaven if I buy over 10 calendars?
Yes. I will keep your cloud warm for you.
So, to recap. E-mail me if you want bulk calendars or if you will agree to find a place to sell them. Otherwise, go to
And if you're in a buying mood, you can log on to
to buy my latest CD, which is called "Songs About Love, Death, and Wings."
I'm actually still too sick to blog, but this calendar is probably my last big project and I really want to leave the world having accomplished something really cool, so tell a friend about ALS today... and they'll tell someone... and they'll tell someone... and so on and so on. (Any resemblance to 1970's shampoo commercial is purely coincidental.)