Damn/Dam

I'm sitting here alone in my bed, in the dark talking into this dictation machine and trying to decide whether to be happy that I'm still able to be alone or to be scared that I'm all alone. I fell the other morning around six, banged my knees and knocked my face up a little bit . The bruises will fade but not the reality that it's not safe to be alone. After I fell, I couldn't get back up off the floor, which - more than the falling - was really the hard part.

It's a blow. It means the end of independence is coming.

But I'm lucky because I can choose how to handle these things. When I read the blog comment from the person who's written two books with their chin, I thought "Man I am a whiner! I decided to dwell on the obstacles to writing this blog, meanwhile, this person is writing books with their chin....cheerfully!!! There's always somebody that's worse off than you. And you can feel bad if you really want, but face it: there will always be somebody worse off than you."

So probably about 50 percent of the time or more now, it's just such an effort to bring a fork up to my mouth. The food falls off of it and falls on the floor and I wheel over it and squish it or it's a big mess and my pants are covered with food and either way, my arm is so tired from lifting the damned fork, and blabbity blah blah, that I've finally given in and I'm getting people to feed me. As I told Natta, this is both horrible and beautiful. It's horrible to know you're that dependent on people, that defenseless, that you find it really hard to feed yourself. But it's beautiful because every morsel that someone puts in your mouth feels like love.

I had time today with Edith and Wendy and it was so precious. And I thought: a small number of my friends have really fucked it up for everyone else. Those damned do-gooders! Basically, all of my friends do so much for me and they're all so kind and so wonderful, but I can't grade on a curve, because perceptions are bound to be skewed. There are a couple of my friends that just go so far out of their way, spend so much money on me, go so far beyond the extra mile and anticipate things that I never even realized I needed, it feels like other friends who merely display remarkable kindness, generosity and California king-sized hearts don't get lauded in this blog as much as they would/should otherwise. It's true. So I want to go on record right here and now that I'm so grateful to all of you whether you're named on this blog or not!!! A gazillion thanks!

One of my kind friends, Bryan, has taken 1000s of beautiful photos of me over the years and put hours of work into my various cds. He is working on a remarkable project to raise $5000 to rebuild a dam in a small village in Cambodia. He has only 3 weeks left before he returns to the village to oversee the work. For more info see his website, it will break your heart and inspire you to help. i personally vouch for Bryan ( we go back almost 14 years) and hope you can help him with this great work. Visit:
http://web.me.com/bryanjohnhendon/bryan_john_hendon_photography/Cambodia_Dam_Project_2009.html