My Mom sent me a bouquet of balloons in between opening weekend of War and PeaceMeal – The Musical and the Yoshi’s benefit on May 6. Now nothing makes me sadder than watching a bunch of helium balloons slowly die, the air sucked out of them until they sag. They are never as beautiful as they are the day of their inflation. They should always either be inhaled or liberated shortly after that. Mac and I did the latter though I wish we’d saved one for inhaling so we could sing a falsetto goodbye to them as they began their ascent. They were remarkably beautiful flying up into infinity….or the Berkeley campus…. becoming brilliant colorful dots against the blue backdrop of the sky. We attached a note to the last one in case it landed somewhere. A mystery for someone to discover. I would love to find a note like that. How much more beautiful things are when we let them go instead of clutching on to something that used to be.
It made me think again about what a mismatch this disease is for me. Not for me the slow, defeated deflation. I want to be popped so I whir in a wild zigzag jig through the sky like a Looney Tunes character, leaving only freckled skin and red hair in a perfect sheath once all the air as been let out of me, I want to have my strings cut like the happy face mylar balloon we watched cheerfully bounce it’s way into oblivion it’s grin intact. I want to be inhaled, absorbed, devoured, to spontaneously combust, to go super nova. Anything but this slow goodbye to my old life.
My right hand is starting to weaken now. I had two dramatic falls – one a full-on face plant. I’m not ready to give up yet but I can see how it’s going to get harder and harder to have fun. If it gets too sad down the road, I hope people will understand if I prefer to cut the strings and fly.
Tonight a few stalwart supporters and I are dressing in 1970s prom dresses, blaring Foreigner and Bachman Turner Overdrive and driving around in a stretch limo. I will report on the results and I will dance even if I take a tooth out falling down.