Sunday, January 20, 2008

all you need is love

Okay, so if this is over the top, let me just say that I get to do that now.

Attention loved ones: I know you are tuning into this blog and I want you to pay close attention to these instructions. They are inspired by waking up this morning and reading Alison’s blog and also from reading a note my Dad wrote to her about a previous blog which she kindly forwarded to me. It all got me to thinking about how my Dad has been reminding me lately of the guy he was when he was my age. I was Mac’s age then and we shared an apartment. It was an amazing shift in our relationship as his heart was cracked wide open – probably from his marriage ending – and we would talk about anything and everything. I felt like I knew him to his core then and I feel like I’m getting that guy back lately. Bittersweet.

I’ve had that experience a lot lately with different people. I get to see them in a deep, rich and intense way that I hadn’t before and it’s like they reveal the beautiful child/soul in them. Ali writes so eloquently about the heart-opening that she is experiencing. (reminder – she’s linked to my blog).

But I digress. Here are your “instructions”:

Those of you who love me have made it clear to me that we are in this thing together. If that is the case I ask this favor of you (those reading in Canada, I ask this favour of you) - don’t let the sad part of this take over your relationship with me. We can be sad together for sure, but let the hurt and pain of this crack your heart wide open like a walnut and let in all the love that you can – love from me, from your children, your partners, your friends. Accept it even if it is scary to be loved so much and to love so much. Don’t waste your time with reading the whole self-help book but read the jacket blurbs closely and take all the titles to heart. Be grateful all the time. Carry your favorite poem in your wallet. If you don’t have one get one. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge wonderful experiences quietly to yourself or in your “out loud” voice – sand between your toes, a baby’s rolls of fat, a yummy muffin eaten in the morning sun - and mentally bookmark those experiences for when you need them.

This would be a big favor (favour) to me. I need to spin this ALS thing positively. I read about the health challenges in store for me and I don’t want them. They scare me shitless. I want to run away but I can’t. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, open my arms and move forward into this experience even though my stomach tightens from the fear of it. There has to be some meaning to all of this and knowing the people I cherish in my life can lead a richer, more beautiful life – a happy and fulfilled life – will give me that meaning and so that courage to take this walk towards the unknown.

A sax player I barely know sent this response to my Rumi blog which seems appropriate to pass on. I think it’s the next part of the poem I quoted but I could be wrong.

AND SO IT IS THAT IN THE MOMENT YOU PLEDGE YOUR HIGHEST LOVE, YOU GREET YOUR GREATEST FEAR. WHEN THE HEART WEEPS FOR WHAT IT HAS LOST, THE SPIRIT LAUGHS FOR WHAT IT HAS FOUND. YOU ARE A NOTHING SURROUNDED BY GOD, AND FILLED WITH GOD, IF YOU SO DESIRE.

1 comment:

christina a said...

This is touching, Carla. I guess we all are on the same journey. I have been teaching Walt Whitman lately, the greatest of American poets. It is amazing how tuned into this collective consciousness he was although I don't think the idea of god, but the individual soul, is what mattered to him. My play, The Silence of Bees, is about this plummet into darkness and emergence into light. It is doing very well. Lee Meriweather loves it so we are having a table read at her house in early February. It must be a timely message. Stay as strong and fabulous as you always are. Love, Joanna